If your parents ever threw a dinner party, holiday party or attended a block party, you have at least heard some discussion about guest lists. At our house, my mom wrote out her guest lists (always in pencil) and added/subtracted names based on various things which sometimes included my dad’s input. I remember that certain sets of friends were invited to certain get-togethers, dinners, holidays, etc, as rarely was there a “catch all” event at our house. Having studied this art of combining people, I am now an expert at understanding that the true success of social gatherings lies in the meshing of personalities and not table decor. But weddings are different. Your wedding day is about you, your groom and the life you are beginning together. Everyone on your guest list isn’t required to know each other, or even (take a deep breath) to get along. If you want them to be there to share the day with you, send them an invitation. Sounds simple, right?
Unfortunately, wedding guest lists are not always simple. In some cases, they take on a life of their own. I have had meetings with clients for the sole purpose of pruning/cutting/mediating the guest list. I have met brides whose aunts, uncles, cousins, even parents stopped speaking to them over… the guest list. In many cases it wasn’t even that these people had been left off the list themselves. Some were put off because their special request to have so and so included, could not be met. What about these lists makes people so emotional even to the point of being irrational?
Weddings are emotional events. They are once-in-a-lifetime, beautiful and people love a good wedding. Even when I’m not working, I love the excitement and genuine emotion of a wedding. But when I am working, a good part of what I do for the day involves managing the guests, so I understand when brides worry about the potential for drama locked within the guest list. Let’s see if we can’t prevent some of that drama…
Many brides (and mother-of-the-brides) begin compiling the guest list before a budget has been determined and/or the venue has been chosen. A modest budget, short of offering cake and punch, will not accommodate a guest list of several hundred people. In similar fashion, your dreams of a small, intimate celebration with your closest and dearest may be trampled by the 250 “oldest friends” your mother insists would be insulted if not included. Resist the urge to put any names down until you have decided what kind of wedding you and your fiancé want to have, how much you want to spend and where you would like the wedding to be. Once you have determined these 3 things, minimize guest list drama by:
1. Clarifying who will make final decisions on the guest list– Some brides and grooms ask for lists from both sets of parents when they are compiling names. This works better when there is a generous budget to accommodate a larger venue and more guests. However, if you and your groom have decided that you will manage your list, yourselves, make sure you are both communicating that in the same way to both families, together
2. Understanding the true cost per guest to you – Sitting down with the caterer and choosing a menu option for $49.95 per person does not represent the true cost to invite someone to your wedding/reception. In order for your guest to sit down for dinner, there must be a chair, a table setting and perhaps a chair cover. For every 8-10 guests, add another table, another centerpiece, table linens and perhaps another server. During dinner, there is likely a beverage option or open bar cost that is separate from the catering cost. Once you know what it will cost to deck your reception hall, feed your guests and make sure their whistle is wet divide that ballpark by the number of guests you estimate coming. That is your true per guest cost. It is likely closer to $100 by the time everything is said and served…per guest. When my couples are on the fence about certain guests or even work acquaintances being invited, I ask if they would spend that true per guest cost to take that person out to dinner. This one question usually works to reduce at least 10 – 15 % of the list
3. Making the list a reflection of what is important to you for your wedding day – Deciding the tone of your wedding beforehand will really help you tailor a guest list to fit. If you don’t want a lot of fuss and drama, then you probably instinctively know who not to invite. Choosing a small, intimate location commands that the guest list reflect that. Stick with whatever you decide, whether it be more is more or less is more
4. Not sending out Save-the-Dates unless you intend to invite – I know that this seems obvious. But sometimes brides get so excited that obvious goes out the window. You will add drama to your celebration if you try to cut your list back after the fact. That is why budget and venue decisions should be done before the guest list
5. Letting yourself off the hook – You get married one time…to each other. If you focus on pleasing everyone else, you will miss the mark of your day, which should be to share the celebration of your love with loved ones. If you are financially able and willing to invite everyone you know to your wedding, go for it. If you are neither, then be realistic with yourselves first, and honest with others throughout. There is no crime in having the wedding of your dreams, at the venue you choose, with the people you want, within the budget you have set
Guest lists are nothing more than a planning tool and should be managed like all other tools leading up to and on your wedding day. The natural progression of a guest list is that it becomes a seating chart for your reception. It may take a few twists and turns along the way. But, a good planner will help you manage it from inception, to invitations, to RSVP collection through to a final headcount for the caterer. Sounds simple, right? Yours can be!
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