Keeping the Guest List From Stealing Your Joy

If your parents ever threw a dinner party, holiday party or attended a block party, you have at least heard some discussion about guest lists.  At our house, my mom wrote out her guest lists (always in pencil) and added/subtracted names based on various things which sometimes included my dad’s input.  I remember that certain sets of friends were invited to certain get-togethers, dinners, holidays, etc, as  rarely was there a “catch all” event at our house.  Having studied this art of combining people, I am now an expert at understanding that the true success of social gatherings lies in the meshing of personalities and not table decor.  But weddings are different.  Your wedding day is about you, your groom and the life you are beginning together.  Everyone on your guest list isn’t required to know each other, or even (take a deep breath) to get along.  If you want them to be there to share the day with you, send them an invitation.   Sounds simple, right?

Unfortunately, wedding guest lists are not always simple.  In some cases, they take on a life of their own.  I have had meetings with clients for the sole purpose of pruning/cutting/mediating the guest list.   I have met brides whose aunts, uncles, cousins, even parents stopped speaking to them over… the guest list.   In many cases it wasn’t even that these people had been left off the list themselves.  Some were put off because their special request to have so and so included, could not be met.  What about these lists makes people so emotional even to the point of being irrational?

Weddings are emotional events.  They are once-in-a-lifetime, beautiful and people love a good wedding. Even when I’m not working, I love the excitement and genuine emotion of a wedding.  But when I am working, a good part of what I do for the day involves managing the guests, so I understand when brides worry about the potential for drama locked within the guest list.  Let’s see if we can’t prevent some of that drama…

Many brides (and mother-of-the-brides) begin compiling the guest list before a budget has been determined and/or the venue has been chosen.  A modest budget, short of offering cake and punch, will not accommodate a guest list of several hundred people.  In similar fashion, your dreams of a small, intimate celebration with your closest and dearest may be trampled by the 250 “oldest friends” your mother insists would be insulted if not included.  Resist the urge to put any names down until you have decided what kind of wedding you and your fiancé want to have, how much you want to spend and where you would like the wedding to be.  Once you have determined these 3 things, minimize guest list drama by:

1.      Clarifying who will make final decisions on the guest list– Some brides and grooms ask for lists from both sets of parents when they are compiling names.  This works better when there is a generous budget to accommodate a larger venue and more guests.  However, if you and your groom have decided that you will manage your list, yourselves, make sure you are both communicating that in the same way to both families, together

2.       Understanding the true cost per guest to you – Sitting down with the caterer and choosing a menu option for $49.95 per person does not represent the true cost to invite someone to your wedding/reception.  In order for your guest to sit down for dinner, there must be a chair, a table setting and perhaps a chair cover.  For every 8-10 guests, add another table, another centerpiece, table linens and perhaps another server.  During dinner, there is likely a beverage option or open bar cost that is separate from the catering cost.  Once you know what it will cost to deck your reception hall, feed your guests and make sure their whistle is wet divide that ballpark by the number of guests you estimate coming.  That is your true per guest cost.  It is likely closer to $100 by the time everything is said and served…per guest.   When my couples are on the fence about certain guests or even work acquaintances being invited, I ask if they would spend that true per guest cost to take that person out to dinner.  This one question usually works to reduce at least 10 – 15 % of the list

3.       Making the list a reflection of what is important to you for your wedding day – Deciding the tone of your wedding beforehand will really help you tailor a guest list to fit.  If you don’t want a lot of fuss and drama, then you probably instinctively know who not to invite.  Choosing a small, intimate location commands that the guest list reflect that.  Stick with whatever you decide, whether it be more is more or less is more

4.       Not sending out Save-the-Dates unless you intend to invite – I know that this seems obvious.  But sometimes brides get so excited that obvious goes out the window.  You will add drama to your celebration if you try to cut your list back after the fact.  That is why budget and venue decisions should be done before the guest list

5.       Letting yourself off the hook – You get married one time…to each other.  If you focus on pleasing everyone else, you will miss the mark of your day, which should be to share the celebration of your love with loved ones.  If you are financially able and willing to invite everyone you know to your wedding, go for it.  If you are neither, then be realistic with yourselves first, and honest with others throughout.  There is no crime in having the wedding of your dreams, at the venue you choose, with the people you want, within the budget you have set

Guest lists are nothing more than a planning tool and should be managed like all other tools leading up to and on your wedding day.  The natural progression of a guest list is that it becomes a seating chart for your reception.  It may take a few twists and turns along the way.  But, a good planner will help you manage it from inception, to invitations, to RSVP collection through to a final headcount for the caterer.  Sounds simple, right?  Yours can be!

Embracing the "B" Word

In an ideal world, it would be fantastic to plan the wedding you wanted, without having to consult your checkbook at all.  The choices are infinite...until you see the price tags.  But a savvy bride, which you obviously are, knows how to maximize the budget she is working with and have the wedding of her dreams.  But how do you put together a budget for a wedding?  How much does a "nice" wedding versus the version you have in your head cost?  The only way to work through these questions and make wise financial decisions is to put pen to paper.  Yes, you must create a budget.

 

Regardless of how much each bride has to spend, every wedding has an overall budget.  The exact number is going to be decided either by what you choose to spend, or what you actually have to spend.  Deciding on what that number is, before you start planning anything, will save you headaches and lots of money down the road.

 

The first number that you want to write down is the total number of dollars that you have or are willing to spend on everything associated with the wedding events.  It is best to work with a concrete number based on resources you know that you can count on.  If your Great Aunt Hilda offers to pay for your flowers, thank her.  But do not count on that money being a part of your budget until you get a check in your hand.  There are plenty of horror stories of brides who are forced to run around in the last few weeks before their wedding because they spent money they did not actually have in hand.  Included in those stories are tales of couples who have come home from a honeymoon to no lights and an empty fridge until the next 2 paydays... Not a good start to your marriage.

 

After you have written down your number, decide how you want to divide it among the many expenses associated with a wedding.  Take a look at the budget guide that is attached.  This is one of the tools I share with couples to help them see where the dollars of their overall budget can go.  The percentages are just estimates of what you can expect to spend as it relates to your overall budget. However, keep in mind that your budget dictates the rules.  If flowers are not important enough for you to spend 8% of your budget on them, don't.  Use that money elsewhere, or keep it in your pocket.  The same goes with any other aspect.  The best way to maximize any wedding budget is to focus your dollars on what matters to you.  If your pictures are the most important thing for you, point your dollars in that direction and hire a great photographer. 

 

On the average, weddings have been reported to cost $25,000.  That does not mean that that should be the number you aim to spend or that your wedding won't be what you want even if you do.  One way to tame costs up front is to analyze and minimize your guest list.  Even though the caterer has quoted you $35 per person, each head at the table actually costs you more than that.  Consider that for each additional 8-10 people on your list, you add another table, chairs, linens, floral decor, an additional server and maybe even a larger, more costly venue to accomodate them.  Having those 100 guests at a $25,000 wedding really translates to $135 per guest.  Considering this true cost, is every person on your list that dear to you?  Think about that before you send out your save-the-dates.

 

Here are some steps to becoming great friends with your wedding budget:

 

1. Decide What Will Be Spent, Then Shop - Once you get engaged, it is a natural instinct to want to start flipping through bridal magazines and making appointments to pick out dresses, shoes, linens, etc. But, resist the urge until you have consulted your future partner for life and/or all concerned with the financial input towards the wedding.  You will spend your planning time much more wisely if you know what you have to spend and can shop with a keen eye for who will deliver what you want, with the service and quality you deserve at the best value
2. When You Spend it, Write it Down - I cannot tell you how many brides have busted their budget because they did not keep track of everything they were actually spending.  Picking up minor things like fabric swatches, ribbons and wedding doo dads on sale adds up...and fast.  Writing down your purchases and holding onto receipts will help you to see where you are in your overall spending.  When you see those totals rising you have the information to make some decisions or some returns
3. Discounts Should be Offered, Not Demanded - This can be a sticky situation for brides and wedding professionals. If you have your heart set on the floral designing talents of a certain area florist, but know their work is outside of your price range, proceed with caution.  It is okay to ask about any promotional discounts they may have.  However, trying to haggle them down until they agree to the price that will fit your budget may end up leaving you both with a bad taste in your mouth.  This is certainly not the foundation you want to build your vendor relationships with.  A good wedding planner will be able to help you navigate the area vendors and may even secure discounts based on relationships she has built with them over time.  This is a tactic that can help you save dollars across the board
4. Allow Your Budget to Do Its Job - If you are not realistic about what you truly have to spend and work within your budget, it will not help you.  Be honest with yourself first and then your planner about the monies you have to make your day everything you want it to be.  Communicating honestly will help you set realistic expectations that can be met, which will help you feel much more in control of and relaxed during your wedding celebration.  Your budget is your friend, if you allow it to be

The Wedding Budget is a great tool when used properly. It can guide you in many ways and keep you on task in others.  It will help you make rational decisions amidst a sea of emotional tugs and bridal twinges.  It will also serve as a great scapegoat when your mom tries to introduce 25 new names to the headcount... "Sorry, Mom.  The budget is set for x number at the reception and we can't go over that. Thanks for understanding."

 

Have the wedding that you always wanted and do it within your means.

Trust Your Gut!

Trusting Your Instincts When Planning Your Wedding



Would you go into a car dealership and buy a car you don't like?  After hours, weeks and even months of researching, would you let the dealer convince you to take the model they had in mind for you?  Didn't think so.  So, why is it so difficult to speak up when the florist, the designer, the baker or even your wedding planner are not on the same page with you and the vision you have for your wedding day?  It doesn't have to be that way.

Quality vendors do have a lot of experience, which is a benefit to you.  However, your wedding is a first for them...or anyone for that matter because you and your fiance are a unique couple.  Even if you have been married before, there has never been a wedding like the one you want to have now.  When you put a plan together for the design and the flow of your day, it ought to feel one-of-a-kind, because you are.  If that plan isn't a map to what you envision, let your vendors know.  If you don't, they can't fix it.  Worse, you will end up settling for someone else's vision, and disappointment is pretty much impossible to overcome after your wedding day.

If you are in the beginning stages of planning and aren't sure how everything should come together, you still know what you want.  Even if you are challenged with putting your vision into words, there are steps you can take to make sure your day reflects you:

1.   Start Collecting Photos/Images -  You have a vision of what your dream wedding looks like.  Unfortunately, until you share it, that picture only exists in your head.  A good planner/designer/event director will be able to pull elements from your photos and put together a visual collage.  We put together a  "Vision Board" for our couples, so that we can be sure we are on the same page before choosing any event elements.  Even if you can't explain what you want, we know what you have in mind, once we see a picture

2.   Refer Back to Visual Collage/VIsion Boards Throughout Planning - Your Board becomes a road map of sorts, because it reminds you of what you are working towards.  Make sure that you refer to it when you begin selecting florals, decorative elements, table linens, stationery, etc.  Even if you choose a detail different than what is pictured on your board, you'll be sure to stay true to your overall vision

3.   Communicate Quickly When Something Isn't Working - Remember, that you and your fiance set the tone for your day.  But in order to have the wedding you envision, you have to let your vendors know if something (sometimes someone)  is not quite right, when they have time to fix it.  If you have that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach (small or growling), trust it and say it!  A professional desires to meet his/her clients' expectations, so getting it right is crucial.  Beware of the vendor who makes you feel like you are wasting their time with your opinion and/or reasonable changes.  The worst time to hear that a bride was unhappy is after her wedding day...

4.  Trust Your Feelings  - I am meeting far too many brides who leave vendor meetings feeling  under valued... after paying top dollar.  If a vendor does not make you feel important or that your wedding day is special, reconsider giving them your business.  A good vendor is not just talented, they are professional.  They may work 3-10 weddings every weekend, but this is likely your first and only wedding.  You should be made to feel like a priority.  Vendors who work well together usually have similar work styles, so ask your favorite vendors for referrals.  Chances are that if your planner is patient, organized and resourceful  he/she will know others who are too.  Above all else, if you have the feeling early on...or even late that a vendor is not going to work out after you have tried to communicate with them, move on

Our instincts are loyal. They aren't privy to the background stories of others or their political ties... they just know us.  When your instincts tell you something is not quite right, listen and investigate.  Once you know the facts, act on your behalf.  Do not wait for "things to work themselves out", particularly when it comes to planning your wedding of a lifetime.

There are some wonderful, talented vendors in this industry.  But just as you are unique, so should the team pulled together for your wedding be.  Be selective and make sure that you are equally excited to work with one another.

Knowing the Right Once-in-a-Lifetime Ingredients

Making Every Couple’s Wedding Experience One-of-a-Kind

Bare with me, because this is going to sound a little braggy in the beginning, but I promise it won’t stay there. I just need to make a few things clear so that I can make a point. Here goes:

In addition to being a self-proclaimed foodie, I am an excellent cook. I am not just a good cook, or even a great cook… I am an excellent cook. How can I make such a bold claim? Simple… years of feedback, demand, research, practice and eating. Yes, I did say eating. Because at the end of the day (and sometimes the beginning), that is the main reason I have become an excellent cook. I started out and remain an excellent eater.

My mother and my grandmother were also excellent cooks. Both were raised in small town Louisiana where Cajun cuisine was born and it is the foundation that I pull from when I’m cooking. I owe them for teaching me what I know today. But in my adult years, I also learned the power of experimentation and how powerful it can be to creatively experiment with your gut.

Not very many people, outside of close family and friends, know that I cook like I do. There is a reason for that. I associate the creation of a meal with love. Quite honestly, I associate the creation of anything special and beautiful with love. So, for me, meal preparation and love for those who will be served work together. I treat it like a gift. When I put a menu together, I take into account who I am serving, when and where we are eating, and the occasion I am hoping to build around that meal. Since all of those variables create once-in-a-lifetime situations, the meal will always reflect that. Even if I do menu cards for a dinner, or a lunch, it is merely a prop to heighten the moment for those I am serving. It is not to catalog the menu that has already been served. Every meal should be as delicious and unique as those who are sharing it.

When I take on new couples and clients, I am personally involved in their event and ultimately their happiness from the start. I care about how they feel for one another and for their guests. It is extremely important to get to know them beyond just the list of what they want, who they want and the colors they want it in. My goal during the planning stage is to figure out the main ingredients for the event. Putting together a plan is very similar to creating a menu. The first step is to know who I am serving and what they really like. When planning a once-in-a-lifetime event, try never to settle for things that are just, “okay”. Second, I build one or two star elements in the meal. So, even on simple nights like, “Wing Night” in our house, I have flavors that everyone loves, like Spicy Buffalo and Garlic Parmesan and a few new ones for them to try like, Asian Apricot Glaze (which is now a favorite). I make every sauce from scratch and I pay attention to the quality of the sides, because they are just as important to the whole meal as the wings themselves. Just like on “Wing Night”, every detail of your party or wedding is important, should be well executed and work together to reflect those who will share it.

One thing that irks some of my family and friends is that I don’t write down recipes. They probably think it’s because I don’t want to share, but that isn’t the case at all. I cook by memory, feel and taste, so I rarely have a recipe in front of me. Most of the dishes that have become family favorites started as experiments with ingredients I knew I liked in different combinations. There are just certain flavors that work well together, but I am always open to changing things up according to what is in season, available or just tastes great. This same principle holds true when I design gifts, favors and/or event elements. Even with tried and true ideas, you can always add your own “flavor” to guarantee that it’s one-of-a-kind.

When planning your party, your wedding or your anniversary, think about what the most important ingredient of the day is for you. Build your plan around that and don’t be afraid to add your own flavor to the mix. If something doesn’t work, change it. Keep in mind that something that may have worked for countless others, may not for you. Also, give yourself enough time to execute any idea or project you have not done before. It should be done well, or not at all. You get one shot at once-in-a-lifetime moments. They deserve to be one-of-a-kind, because you are.

Is the On-Site Coordinator Enough?

I recently heard from a newlywed who opted to leave the bulk of her wedding plans in the hands of the coordinator provided by the venue.  To the bride's credit, she contacted the on-site coordinator and reserved her date more than a year in advance.  She took the advice of the coordinator and went with the florist, catering and design companies recommended by the venue.  This too, was done more than a year before her June 2010 wedding date. 

This bride's story should end happily, right?  She started planning early enough.  She kept records of deposits, contracts and details that she discussed with her on-site coordinator.  The bride and the coordinator worked so well together that  the bride felt comfortable letting her tweak some of the final decisions with the florist, caterer and designer.  After all, they had discussed everything and the coordinator knew what the budget bottom line was. But, the one thing they did not talk about was the on-site coordinators resignation to start her own event planning company...1 week before the wedding. To make matters worse, the venue did not communicate the change in staffing until the night of the rehearsal.

24 hours before the wedding was to begin, the new on-site coordinator could locate the bride's file, but none of the notes taken by her predecessor.  And while she had a good amount of experience, she had no information about the vendors, delivery schedule or details of the wedding taking place the next day. She did not want to alarm the bride, who was visibly upset already.  She also did not want her employers to doubt her competence, but she was in a really tough spot.

The good news is, that June bride had a beautiful day.  The vendors had plenty of experience with the venue, so they were able to come in and do what they said they would. They worked well together and helped the new on-site coordinator work through minor issues.  There were a few changes that had to be made last minute with the floral design, but the bride liked what was chosen.  Overall, she was happy.  She was also very, very lucky

On-site coordinators are exactly that.  Their job is to coordinate the logistics of your wedding, as it relates to the venue that they work for.  Guidance on attire, invitations, budget, guest list management, bridal party coordination are not details they typically handle.  There are many who are excellent at what they do, and invaluable to you and your wedding team.  However, they can only help you, while they are working for the venue. If anything happens to change that, so does your plan. Your contract covers use of the space, typically not who is staffed there.

This story could have ended in horror.  The bride admitted that she did not sleep at all the night before her wedding trying to put as many details as she could on paper.  In fact, she was a wreck until she saw everything in place before the ceremony started. Even though everything turned out okay, she mentioned wishing that she had spent that time with someone who worked for her and not the venue.  "Peace of mind would have been priceless that night" she says now.

Spend time planning your day with someone who works for you.  The average wedding takes over 250 hours to plan.  The bulk of those hours are spent on details that happen before you even get to the venue. It makes sense that you would build a plan to manage them with someone who has the time to handle them from start to finish.  On-site coordinators are a great bonus for many venues.  Make sure that you have someone who can dedicate the time and attention you need to your whole wedding plan...and you.